Sunday, December 29, 2002
December, I’m dark
before dark, each day.
The brief tears sting
but clear my eyes
Please don’t tell me, don’t cry.
Lately I am tired of words,
worn out from all the living I do in them.
There are some things only the body can do.
The body only knows how to say what’s true.
But both are best, words and body, like
lying on the ground underneath the stars.
My only one, hold your radiance to me,
try to light me, carry me someplace
bright in my own body.
Do it with your body, its heat & its light, weight.
Sunday, December 22, 2002
Everything is great, wonderful actually, and yet I am surrounded by darkness and hardly a soul is within touching distance. It is always like this for me at this time of year. Often I spend the hols crawling around on the floor crying. Then I go to a party. I expect it now. But it is still dreadful. Candles everywhere today.
Today I am making bath bombs, a Cheryl Wheeler tape for Deeb, and then some tea to drink while i sit with some of my old writing notebooks. Last night, on impulse, before the three parties I attended, I unboxed all my writing notebooks (since age 15) and all the journals of my adult life ( I'm on book 90 now, I think). I glanced through a few, and was amazed at how time itself revises memory. Also how confused I was during times when I wasn't doing what I wanted, what I should have been doing. Vicious cycle.
"I grow like a plant without remorse & without stupidity toward the hours loosened from the day pure & secure as a plant without crucifixion toward the hours loosened from night." — A. Césaire
Friday, December 13, 2002
I just got word that one of my favorite people in the world, and one of the most accomplished musicians I've ever known, Al Tinney, has passed away. Al Tinney played with Charlie Parker, Ruth Brown and other greats in New York City before returning to Buffalo to raise a family. I first met him when I was 12, at the Albright-Knox Art Gallery jazz series, where he played weekly with Emile Latimer, Sam Falzone, John Bacon, Jr., Carol McLaughlin and many others. Al was a funny, gentle, beautiful man who loved music, children, and hugs.
For the last few years, Al has been fighting emphysema. It broke my heart to see him carting around his oxygen tank and still smoking cigarettes. Please, don't smoke.
We love you, Al. Peace and Godspeed. You will be deeply, deeply missed.
Friday, December 06, 2002
Yesterday I thought maybe I could buy the house I've been eyeing in Allentown, the one with the yard and mother-in-law cottage. I thought maybe I'd kicked the cold which has been coming on all week. I thought maybe, well, all kinds of juicy collaborative things. It was a long cloudy day.
Today the sun is out, but I don't qualify for a mortgage because they don't believe in how well one can live on a part-time job plus freelance income. I have the significant sniffles, and feel sorta lonely.
But I do have Lemon Zinger tea and thai lemongrass chili noodles and Sudafed and work to do which is useful in the world. Blessings, all.
And I do love me some Marlys paper dolls!!
Thursday, December 05, 2002
I had the great privilege, and the best time, playing the 15th Annual John Lennon Tribute at Nietzsche's last night. The fun continues tonight, so don't miss it.
Joe Todaro and I sang "Two of Us" and "I'll be back". Most people know us as poets, so it is fun to surprise and, hopefully, entertain. We had great fun. It is our first musical outing in Buffalo together, though we did do Johnny Cash's "I've Been Everywhere" back in summer of 199 in San Francisco. Frankly, it's much more exciting to share a stage with many of Buffalo's incredibly talented musicians, including Michael Meldrum, Rick McGirr, Nelson Starr Greg Klyma, Mark Dixon and many others. As the song goes, we danced till a quarter to three...
...and slept till noon. There's more fun coming down the pike in the form of a visit from one of my favorite people, Cliff Eberhardt.
Sunday, December 01, 2002
No, not really the first snow, but the first proper snow, and the Bills game was amazing too--great satisfaction to watch the Miami Dolphins shiver, clutch--and it is so quiet tonight now, only 7 pm, plenty of time to let the dog out to play and to heat some warm wine.....
Between the time I went to play darts and now, 3 inches fell....
Mariah was like, wow, for me?
Terrible, lovely driving home with the radio on, so slow....
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
Friday, November 15, 2002
I just placed a take-out order at the venerable Santasiero's for an eggplant parm with a side of spaghetti and two meatballs--one for me, one for the dog. I've been away from her for two many hours today & expect every pen in the house to be munched. I don't blame her. She's also fond of the empty tofu container.
Thursday, November 14, 2002
"Let them march all they want, so long as they continue to pay their taxes." --Attributed to Alexander Haig, US Secretary of State (1981- 1989), commenting on demonstrations by anti-nuclear weapons protestors.
Did you know 46% of your tax money funds war? Um, and that's okay with you?
National War Tax Resistance Coordinating Committee
War Resisters League
nice article/overview from commondreams.org
The park, the steet, entirely carpeted with leaves.
All mad love for the d-o-g....
Monday, November 11, 2002
I worry a lot about politics, and what I can do to make the world better. I only believe in what is done with the body, by which I don't mean talk: I mean demonstrate, note, march, knock, drop bombs, run, rape, starve, shoot.
I'm not here to vote any party line: I'm here to make a life out of what has meaning for me. For all the beating of my political heart, this is the truest truth and the closest I have right now to a manifesto.
I'm over 8,000 words into the novel, but have decided it is not a novel idea, but a short story. To make myself feel better, looked at the other novels I've written and was incredibly soothed by the word count on each.
I didn't sleep all night last night, not till 7:30 AM. I couldn't say why, but now I wonder if it was the mirror I had leaning up against the wall--had brought it in from the hallway while dressing for my reading last night. At any rate, I was awake at 4 AM typing up a sexy little story I wrote at the end of my time in SF. Might need it next week....
The reading with Tika Milan was intimate and excellent. Truth and beauty, indeed.
Friday, November 08, 2002
Wednesday, November 06, 2002
Monday, November 04, 2002
Please vote. I truly mean it when I say that any positive change of regime this election feels to me like our last best hope. I saw Bowling for Columbine yesterday and I'm feeling pretty unamerican. Since I'm totally anti-gun, I guess I'll vote out my agression.
Seany, this link's for you....
Very interesting thread at the fabulous 3WA on Money...."Do you need money to feel secure about your life? If so, what -- if anything -- do you feel you can trace this back to? If not, why do you think that is? What makes you feel secure?"
I have started a new blog: Writing Prompts.
Here are the others. (First thing you have to do is admit you have a problem....)
Rust Belt Blog (infrequently updated)
Consumption by Celia
I also contribute to:
haiku at jillennium
Stop me before I blog again!
Saturday, November 02, 2002
Thursday, October 31, 2002
"THE USA PATRIOT ACT allows the FBI broad new powers to check borrower records, Internet use and any other materials that could help track client reading histories (it also applies to booksellers and could be used to obtain medical records). The law contains a gag order threatening librarians with criminal prosecution if they tell anyone of the FBI visits. (Celia notes: this includes your boss, the legal counsel for your library, and your personal lawyer.) The FBI must get a warrant from a judge, but the standard is lower than probable cause. And the evidence, too, is secret."
Q: Why can't witches get pregnant?
A: Because their husbands have halloweenies.
Tis the season of the thinnest veil, a time for the truths of the bones, a time to acknowledge and then release what is dead. It is very sad. It is very freeing.
Here's my costume from a few years ago: a dead beat poet.
Pictures to follow of this year's....
Sunday, October 27, 2002
I swear the trees are singing.
I carved my pumpkin last night.
I went to Dia De Los Muertos on Allen Street.
I met a hottie. I think he said his name was Harlan Sza-something.
Saturday, October 26, 2002
|WATER OF EARTH. Mommy! Well, you could be. You are good with plants and small creatures such as children. You're very generous and basically great hearted. You probably make mad whack cookies and are good at managing the household; also businesses. You'd make a good tax person, book keeper, gardener, massage therapist, etc. The ever domestic and practical one, you can stretch a penny and make ramen noodles go a long way.|
In the morning of the world,
there is the dawning of the sun
dancing across the silent earth
to begin the slow awakening
of each and every thing.
In the morning of the world,
there is the singing
of birds and peaceful women.
the day itself birthing.
In the morning of the world,
while I am still dreaming,
there is already so much happiness
I’ll wake up grateful for it,
even if I missed it
one more time.
Friday, October 25, 2002
In my search for a plan (protesting globalization is not enough, individual action & demonstration are not enough) I came across this piece of sanity:
The act of asking for less, not more, is a radical act – far more radical than it's ever given credit for.
If you don't believe me, ask yourself why, after modern history's most appalling act of terrorism, the President of the united States of America would tell his people to keep on shopping or the terrorists win.
Here's why: consumption keeps the system standing. Take away consumption, and you need to come up with a radically different system.
Thursday, October 24, 2002
I really appreciate Alex Massie's take on life after thirty. Also it is reassuring to realize that my sense of caring less about certain things is not freakish by-product of a rough year. (Not this year, the last one, which is why I was starting to be alarmed by it.) It's not that I feel good about caring less. But the girl I was at 15 couldn't live in the world she saw. It's the same world now, folks, and worse in many ways I could not envision even in my lurid adolescent despair, but I do live in it and my life is often very excellent. Hallelujiah! Jubilee! It is extremely heartening to realize it is not simply circumstance or attitude which makes happiness.
I also gain strength from an adage I keep bumping into: Adversity does not build character. It reveals it.
"The University of North Texas Libraries and the U.S. Government Printing Office, as part of the Federal Depository Library Program, created a partnership to provide permanent public access to the electronic Web sites and publications of defunct U.S. government agencies and commissions. This collection was named the "CyberCemetery" by early users of the site."
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
Monday, October 21, 2002
Saturday, October 19, 2002
Thursday, October 17, 2002
"This war, should it come, is intended to mark the official emergence of the United States as a full-fledged global empire, seizing sole responsibility and authority as planetary policeman. It would be the culmination of a plan 10 years or more in the making, carried out by those who believe the United States must seize the opportunity for global domination, even if it means becoming the "American imperialists" that our enemies always claimed we were."
Monday, October 14, 2002
Saturday, October 12, 2002
Listened to car talk,
made granola from scratch,
wrote in journal,
made oatmeal, ate oatmeal while watching america's test kitchen,
dressed & got stuff ready for workwent to peace vigil,
went to work,
checked email, defragmented work hard drive,
worked reference desk,
answered maybe 25 reference questions,
ate tiger's milk bar,
checked email multiple times & blogged,
played GNE, chatted with Jill,
ate noodles, chatted with colleagues, talked to Joe,
talked to Kteela,
checked email, downloaded songs,
cleaned out closet & got rid of 2 bags worth of clothes (frankly, I am 33 and the jeans I wore ten years ago aint makin a comeback),
watched The Big Chill
took a bath,
Friday, October 11, 2002
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Hotmail can bite me. Oh yeah, they already did--only allowing me to block a few of the millions of spammers in the world, bombarding mw with pop-up ads, servers frequently down (no upgrade has ever improved my emailing experience), and failing to deliver a great deal of my incoming messages last week. They are still trickling in, 6, 7 days after they were sent...
So tonight I spent nearly 4 hours transferring my address book by hand (beacuse Hotmail sucks & has no export option). It was interesting to ponder each person & each name as it went past. Some of these addresses I've never used; at least ten, I'm sure, will bounce back. Still, I'm hoping to get some updates out of my friends, who are as near as 4 blocks away & as far away as the UK.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Thursday, October 03, 2002
I am wearing silver fingernail polish and purple toenail polish. I didn't sleep till 4 AM last night because I had coffee at 4 pm, stupid after days off coffee. Days with no coffee occur only when I am sick--in this case, feverish & feeling overrun with germs.
I am better now.
I got the Sims Unleashed & like it lots. I am happy Mark Driver updated after, what, a year? I've been meeting people (by which I mean men) and having interesting conversations. Then I go home & hang out with my dog.
I signed up for Game Neverending. I cancelled my extraneous phone services because I hate Verizon & even more hate paying them a crazy-making $90 per month. I am rockin' out angel style at my job & get thank yous, wine and marriage proposals along with my job satisfaction.
Really not much to report but this: the leaves are beginning to turn, beginning to fall. I go about in sandals and barefeet whenever possible. I like my life.
Saturday, September 28, 2002
Thursday, September 26, 2002
Saturday, September 21, 2002
Changes In Legal Rights
Some of the fundamental changes to Americans' legal rights by the Bush administration and the USA Patriot Act following the terror attacks:
FREEDOM OF ASSOCIATION: Government may monitor religious and political institutions without suspecting criminal activity to assist terror investigation.
FREEDOM OF INFORMATION: Government has closed once-public immigration hearings, has secretly detained hundreds of people without charges, and has encouraged bureaucrats to resist public records requests.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH: Government may prosecute librarians or keepers of any other records if they tell anyone that the government subpoenaed information related to a terror investigation.
RIGHT TO LEGAL REPRESENTATION: Government may monitor federal prison jailhouse conversations between attorneys and clients, and deny lawyers to Americans accused of crimes.
FREEDOM FROM UNREASONABLE SEARCHES: Government may search and seize Americans' papers and effects without probable cause to assist terror investigation.
RIGHT TO A SPEEDY AND PUBLIC TRIAL: Government may jail Americans indefinitely without a trial.
RIGHT TO LIBERTY: Americans may be jailed without being charged or being able to confront witnesses against them.
– The Associated Press
Friday, September 20, 2002
The language of this life pleases me. There’s a lot of silence
in it, and then the mention of things happening: longing,
healing, the rain.
I’m floating a little, petal in a puddle.
The mind is strong but badly wanting.
This boredom a curse, a haunting.
What else in this day?
I rattle it to find out.
Too tired to make choice or plan,
the minutes till midnight fewer than
the fingers on my hand.
A hollow is starting in me;
it is stopping me.
I’ll leave a little after you arrive.
Heart, a tiny hive. A slave
to the money you left on the bar,
your empty glass, your rain-wet jacket.
The way you turn,
This air full of crows and sirens.
The American people lost the right to elect their president when the U.S. Supreme Court commited a coup d'etat by approving the stealing of the presidency by George W. Bush.
The 11/14/01 announcement that any person designated as a terrorist by the President is to be placed under the control of the Secretary of Defense and not allowed the aid of US or foreign courts.
Persons are being held in American prisons without being allowed to contact their attorney.
The consultations between persons in American prisons and their attorneys are being monitored by "justice" officials.
Men, women, and children can be murdered without compunction--as at Ruby Ridge and Waco--and the person ultimately responsible for these "police-state" atrocities will be promoted to become the head of the agency guilty of these crimes.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Saturday, September 14, 2002
Thursday, September 12, 2002
I rocked the righteous mike at the "Last Night I Had The Strangest Dream" event at Nietzsche's. MANY poets, artists, musicians came up to raise money for the Western New York Peace Center. Mcarthyizm played, Many Fried spoke, Kristi Meal read ("peanut butter and jelly and fuck me"..."The arms of the trees move and I take it personally.") and Susan Peters read and sang, and it was a good time.
I read my Kali Yuga poem, two poems by Allen Ginsberg ("Hum Bom" and "After the Big Parade"), "Wisdom Tooth" by my friend Kazim Ali, and I sang part of Patti Smith's "People Have the Power".
Art by Bonita Z....
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Happy because the breeze is light & cool & I am wearing a shirt I like & dancing to the CD I made for Emile (Richie Havens [I knew that was Emile drumming on Freedom at Glastonbury 2002!], Spearhead, Angelique Kidjo, India.Arie....) I made this CD and then devoted an hour to collage for the cover.
It feels so good to make things, just cause you want to. Their having a decorative purpose is satisfying too, but I love the feeling of making something, especially to give away, just because I can. I'll give it to him tonight between dart games, between glasses of bad red wine, between songs.
I'm also happy because I have been engaged to teach Writer's Circle again at City Honors. This is an afterschool writing group, mostly high school poets, which I attended as a student, then resurrected and ran for 5 years. I've now been away from it for 5, a full generation of kids. I've missed it terribly.
Another perk of coming home has been running into my old students. Nearly without exception, they still have writing as a part of their lives. This is all I ever wanted.
Sunday, September 08, 2002
Saturday, September 07, 2002
I've sung a fair amount in public, from chorus and performing ensembles from 5th grade on, all-girl punk bands when I was in junior high, with various folk singer songwriter friends, and with the Immoral Girls in the late 90's. When I arrived in San Francisco, Joe Todaro and I played one memorable open reading at Yakety-Yak's where I performed Johnny Cash's "I've Been Everywhere."
But, like Kim, I really am a poet and don't want a band or to cut a CD. I just want my musical part to show a bit more, to be able to share it, participate when I can.
Friday, September 06, 2002
Thursday, September 05, 2002
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Tuesday, September 03, 2002
These days also brought the gentle realization that the summer is ending, and that I am happy here, back home. I see that I am already woven back into this community of artists, musicians, teachers, people who like to gather and cook and drink some wine, who like to pass the baby & let the dogs play, who are eager to recommend the best book they've read recently.
Ode to the Neighbor Pup
O Rosie! My friend beyond the fence,
I hear the jingle of your tags from a distance.
Such torment! While The Woman types or sleeps,
I am denied your perfect company.
Soon, the shadowy spectre of a monster called Work
Shall separate us even further.
How I long to romp with you, chew upon you!
My yummy, thewy companion, our reunion will be a feast
Of fur and spittle. Yours in endless rambunctiousness, Mariah.
Thursday, August 29, 2002
First night alone on the Reference desk at the library..it do sound sexy, don't it? No diggity. For the record, I am behind the desk, but that sounds so unfriendly. Actually it's very quiet and pleasant, the sound of typing and thinking.
I hid both yummy and fun things about the apartment for the dog to find after I left, and I hope she is entertaining herself with these rather than by strewing my decks of playing cards about the place or nibbling on my copy of the out-of-print Lion and Blue.
The other day I said to a friend, "I wish there were something Mariah could do to entertain herself while I am out, like reading."
My friend, who has a rather psychedelic mind (or what is left after imbibing select psychedelics years ago), "Said, oh, maybe there is!"
"You think?" I queried.
"Maybe you could make a tape of yourself reading to her, and telling her she's a very good doggie."
Not bad, I thought. I haven't, yet. Meanwhile, it's Kongs & bones.
Wednesday, August 28, 2002
Meeting friends unexpectedly at Art Fest:
My sweet poochka.
Mariah's new toy. Her best bud, Rosie, has the same lion. Yay Amvets!
Fresh flowers make me happy.
Saturday, August 24, 2002
This is where I'm spending my weekend. Come on down...I am in love with my neighborhood. Ironically, having sensate SF longings: peanut tofu curry from May Cahn in North Beach, a stroll through Chinatown, a few games of Galaga, an 80 cc ride home.
I am reading:
Empress of the World, Sara Ryan
Between Angels, poems by Stephen Dunn
and rather compulsively cleaning my house. I think cleaning helps me think I'm settled in. This going-to-work thing has rocked me a little.
Tuesday, August 20, 2002
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
I like my block a lot. It has all kinds--lounge singer two doors down, a girl who sits by a tree or on a wall to write in her journal, young teachers, students, older folks, lots of happy dogs. Everyone noticed that I came back from vacation a little early; everyone lit up with true joy when I reported that I have a new job.
Did I tell about the job? No! Just before I went on vacation, I had an interview was a part-time reference librarian position at E.H. Butler Library at Buffalo State College, just a mile or so down the road. Mind you, I have many friends there, in large part due to the fact that my mother worked in Bibliographic Control (Cataloging) for many, many years before retiring. BSC is also where I attended elementary school for 6 years, at the then very stimulating, rather experimental College Learning Laboratory School (Campus West--now the Buckham Campus School).
I'm pleased and proud to reportI was offered the job on the spot, and begin orientation on Thursday. Its a good job for me, academic and helpful, comes with benfits and the natural perks which come with college libraries--good stuff to read, lots of periodicals, esoteric reference questions, Interlibrary Loan privleges, special projects. All this plus benefits!
I'm experimenting with maintaining this site with Blogger. I am having FTP problems at the moment, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying an update, so here goes....
So, I was on vacation for a few sweet, very relaxing days. Mariah and I were hosted first by Sarah and Dave at their cabin on Crane Mountain, in the beautiful Adirondack Mountains of New York State.
Their daughter Isabelle is three and a delight, though frightened of my sweet and gentle dog who merely wished to sniff her feet.
Mariah had a glorious time, anyway, running leashless everywhere.
After two nights in their blissfully quiet cabin (which has running water [culled from a nearby spring] and only a bit of electricity), I drove tiny roads through NY, VT and NH till I reached the Huberman homestead at Sunset Lake, in Greenfield, NH.
We did their rituals, many of which have been going on since Anne was a baby, approximately 60 years ago. We had breakfast on the dock by the boathouse. We paddled the canoe around the lake at dusk. We had a sauna (pronounced the proper Swedish way, sow-na) and cooled off in the lake.
We also caught a little, early bit of the Perseid meteor shower. You may recall I saw some of Leonid shower from my roof in San Francisco last year. Lying on a dock in a rural place where the Milky way is visible as a matter of course beat that experience to pieces, but I am grateful for any glimpse of starlife.